“Thumper, what did your father tell you?” “If you can’t say somethin’ nice, don’t say nothin’ at all!”
My favorite Disney movie ever is Bambi, and Thumper’s my favorite character. I love him. :) And that quote has been buzzing through my head ever since we started the Me & My Big Mouth series at Relevant.
Honestly, it’s a subject I feel like I need a lot of help in. I’m a rule follower, and growing up, I never said things I shouldn’t...not out loud anyway. I probably didn’t get away with nearly as much as I thought I did as a kid. But as an adult, I feel like I’ve lost a filter somewhere. I don’t stop and think about things before I say them, especially in my home. I’m critical, disruptive, and, depending on whether my day’s been good or not, I can be really impatient. And, well, sometimes my day can change from good to bad at the drop of a hat. The thing is, I’m so aware of this, that sometimes it makes my mood even worse, and I have an even harder time controlling my mouth and terrible things just fall out before I can catch them. Sometimes I don’t even realize I need to stop myself before I say something demeaning or discouraging. As my daughter likes to say, “I didn’t mean to!!” (It makes your heart melt when she says it in her little 5-year-old voice). Well, I don’t have her big fawn eyes and ridiculously long eyelashes to get me out of trouble when I say something wrong. #cutekidproblems
Paul says in Ephesians 4:29, "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear."
Growing up, I tended to only relate Ephesians 4:29 to the state of the words that came out of our mouths. “Cuss” words, threats, name-calling. But...thinking more broadly, this verse pertains to anything that will tear someone down. It’s not just the words you say, it’s the spirit in which you say them. Harsh criticism of a task someone’s done for you. Talking negatively about someone to someone else. Spreading rumors. Even “harmless” exaggeration can hurt someone. Gossip, lies, blame-shifting. Sometimes a lack of response can hurt, too. I hate, hate, hate the silent treatment! Seems elementary, but do we really think about everything we say, or even what we don’t? If you do, can you teach me how??? Seriously, I’ll give you my number and clear my schedule...
As powerful as our mouths are to tear someone down, they’re just as powerful to lift someone up. And the verse above doesn’t mean that we have to speak happiness and sunshine all the time either. Dave, my husband, shortly after we were married, told me that we should only speak to each other to build each other up, not to tear each other down. He said so because I...tend to be critical. I like things done the way I like them, and when something’s not where I’d put it, I have a tendency to get frustrated and...mouth off. He called me out on it...but he didn’t tell me I was a horrible person. I’ve told him I’m a horrible person, but he won’t agree with me. He was kind, he always is. He confronted something that I needed to be held accountable for. And he made sure to tell me he loves me. I don’t know if I’ve improved much on the criticism, but it’s a conversation—not an argument—that’s stuck with me. I hear his words every time—every single time—I realize I may have been overly critical. I just don’t always realize I’m doing it beforehand...I have a hard time catching myself. His words, even though they were confronting a problem, and might have put me in defense mode, lifted me up rather than put me down. He could’ve shown his frustration with me, and a fight could’ve ensued, but he was gentle. He could have given me the silent treatment but he wanted our relationship to be strong, so he did the hard thing and told me the truth.
Ok, so this all sounds like a lot of angles to watch out for, and it might send you away feeling like you have to walk on eggshells. I hate feeling like that. But that’s not God’s purpose in giving us these instructions. God says in Galatians 5:22-23, ESV, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,gentleness, self-control.” When you choose Jesus as the Leader of your life and Forgiver of your sins, He will give you the power to say what you should say when you should say it. Talking to God before facing the world helps you focus on encouraging the people you come in contact with. And, just the act of speaking kindly can make someone wonder what makes you so kind. Your words can be a conversation starter that can cause someone else to accept Jesus, too!
And...if you can’t say something nice...well, you know the rest.